High Again

I have a problem with loving in the time before me
Like a little kid falling in love with a teddy bear given
Specially, especially to place near their heart to keep out the
Nightmares from the closet of irreversible mistakes, monsters
Are created within one's mind like the sudden urge
Of an addict to get his fix, fixated on the high you feel for
One moment, cravings scratching at the back of
Your neck so you try to calm the itch by clawing
At your skin, I need more just to stay alive.
You are my dealer, love is my drug but addiction
Wasn't intentional, thinking love was medicinal,
The perfect high like cocaine to a profissional, professional
Choices tell me I've chosen the right drug to become
Addicted to, the rest aren't dangerous enough.
One hour and I'm back like a pusher of crack, bag it up
For me, the short walk home is an eternity, I need this
Chemical in my veins, withdrawal is inevitable but
The feeling is incredible, I throw it in the air so it soaks
Into my lungs, carried like oxygen in hemoglobin directly
To my heart, I call it hemolovin. This isn't a gateway,
This is the real deal, dealing tokens to earn enough
Money to get my fix, you see me struggling so you calm
My urges with a kiss. I don't dare go to anyone else
To get my product, love is created not mixed,
It hits you hard to make sure you're down,
The blow to your mind to make sure you remember
What it felt like. You are my life saver, dishing out
Love to me like lifesavers. I can never get enough,
Your supply is endless but currency isn't.
You supply what I demand to stay alive, maybe
Just maybe it's my time to learn the tricks of the trade.
Maybe, soon enough, I can be your dealer.

~ Kai Alexander Means

Contemplation

I've never been a strong person, but I have been weaker.

This life I lead has never been harder to control,
I'm strong for those who need me but are too
Damn self-centered to be my Peter Parker when
I'm just simply Mary Jane, purple raindrops fall on my head
Like the storm that hit my lobe, I stay strong but who the hell
Knows for how much longer I can deal with a simple thing.
Words are my enemy. Say one wrong thing and you
Are no longer a friend to me. I don't have the strength.
I'm not as resilient as most think I am, just because I can
Put on a smile does not mean I'm not going through something
Bad enough to bring a grown man to his knees, praying that
I survive the endless attacks thrown at my conscious,
I have too much time to think of what I could have been,
What I could be, who I should love but don't, My smile, smile,
Smile f-f-fades and t-t-tears run down my dry cheeks,
Whoever said a grown man doesn't cry hasn't met me,
Maybe I need help. Why do I feel this way when I could have sworn
That the other day life was just peachy. I am my own worst enemy,
I play victim to my mind, slave to the thoughts that give twenty lashes
To my ego, and we know, no, I know, no, we know, who's we though,
I can't stop being the puppet with my brain being puppet master,
Pulling at my soul with those damn strings, lifting me up,
And for one minute I'm weightless until life decides to bring
Me down to crash through the floor because you're done playing with me.
If I'm not depressed, then what the hell am I? I'm human.
One sensitive being who just wants to be loved as much as he loves,
Thought of as much as he thinks, believed in as much as
He believes, when was that ever too much to ask?
Maybe people only bring me down, a loner in my own right,
But Dr. Fucking Phil in your eye's sight, I'm tired of solving your problems,
Mine have yet to be completed. A lifetime of not having anyone to talk to,
To trust, to love, to care, so now I don't talk, I can't trust,
I hate love, I just really can't care.

But, that's just contemplation,
Severity of my mind's creation,
I'm better than that. I'm better
Than this, I know, yes, I know,
I know who I am, confidence
In who I will be keeps me hitting
Your damn attacks out of the park,
Playing murderer to these bad thoughts,
I'm a cerebral killer. You won't catch me,
I slip through life like The Ripper, I rip
Negativity apart, I am your worst nightmare.
It's okay not to be strong sometimes.
I may not be the strongest right now,
But I will be once again. Didn't your mother
Ever tell you not to play with fire?
I guess warnings can't be placed on me.
I'm gone now, but when I return, oh yes,
When I return, I'm coming with blows
Aimed at your head, no, my head,
Stronger than ever.

~ Kai Alexander Means