To Whom It May Concern

I tried to fix my cracked reflection in the
Mirror so I didn’t have to feel what you made of me,
70 times in 80 beats per minute, 90 seconds after the
Last 100 days of my life. I ate only my nails and
Eyelashes to reserve my flesh, I let my hair grow
Past my shoulders to hide my face, I broke my
Bones so I could heal in silent agony while
My insides cried bloody murder. I slit my wrists so I could
Bathe in blood, I scratched at my skin so I could
Feel alive, I never felt deader, I shot at birds through my
Open window, I laced my veins with menthol and air bubbles,
I spelled out every word in the dictionary to find a synonym
For what I’d become, that word was obsolete, barren and
Desolate, numb, lifeless, and desensitized to anything
I couldn’t see past the shades of my window.
I spun in circles to lose my mind,
I cleaned the house, I messed it up again,
I listened to Beyoncé for three weeks straight,
I chewed on blue ivy and the brains of dead children,
I cut off my ears so I couldn’t hear,
I whispered to my thoughts so they could hear me better,
I opened my body through a hole in my neck,
I cracked my ribs to pass the time,
I reached in and squeezed my heart to feel five seconds of Paradise,
I stitched myself closed with used needles and dental floss,
I pulled out my teeth with rusted pliers,
I swept the same spot on the floor until I dug a hole six feet under,
And at the end of those 100 days,
I tied a noose around my neck,
I collapsed my left lung with a 9 mm,
I cut into my aorta with solid steel,
I jumped into the hole I dug with a broom,
I filled the hole with my blood-stained tears,
I kicked until my struggle was over,
I let the life drain from my eyes.
You told my corpse I hurt you when I left,
Without so much as a kiss, a letter or a goodbye.
Goodbye.

~ Kai Alexander Means

Vignettes on Bourbon Street

I never loved her more than I did on Bourbon Street,

The scent of spice and sensuality filled my nose,

I think it was her, the way she fit tightly against my side,

She was perfection in New Orleans, I loved her like

She loved the city, Big and Easy. Her smile tasted of summertime,

Her skin of creole libations, she danced in circles around my

Waist, singing laissez les bons temps rouler but she was much more

Than just a good time, she was my witchcraft, voodoo on my

Soul, it was something she’s done to me that can’t be forgotten,

She controlled my every heartbeat in the city of sin. We walked

Past storefronts filled with roux and file, my love for her

As sweet as the beignets from the café on the strip,

I watched her strip to the melodies of jazz and Saints fans,

I wanted to whisper in her ear, cher mo l’aime toi, but

I think she knew, the way she turned to me and caressed my skin,

Voodoo, she controls me still. Her kisses the only lagniappe I

Want in this city, she lays on my chest, breathing, humming

Sweet lullabies, singing laissez les bons temps rouler,

But she was much more than just a good time.

~ Kai Alexander Means

Metamorphosis of Narcissus

Or something like it,

The way she looked in the mirror

Disgusted,

Intently positioned in front of muddied waters and

Deadly foresight, the being that she once

Was no more, never was, beautiful.

On Tuesday she woke up, walked to the mirror,

Her hips swaying in sexual thirst for what,

The unknown,

And she smiled, fixed her hair in rhythmic

Syncopation with my heart, playing mandolins

When she breathed, beautiful.

Wednesday, she’s still obsessed with her atrocities

In the mirror, she sees the monsters under

Her bed at night, whispering, clawing

At her self-image, she never sees what I see,

The being that she once was forever,

Always will be, beautiful.

Saturday, and she took a break from her

Vain obsessions with the veins in her neck,

Disgusted,

She turns away, the sexual thirst in her hips

All but silenced, she looks at me,

I see a flower.

~ Kai Alexander Means

Heartbreak A La Angelou

The sun has come.

The mist has gone.

We see in the distance

Our long way home.

I was always yours to have.

You were always mine.

We have loved each other in and out of time.

But the sun never came. I lived in darkness, only comforted

On the days you deemed appropriate, enslaved,

Dark matter, you silenced my sorrow when you promised to leave

The light on. The mist, it stayed, covered my mirror

In shadowed thoughts of the future when the present was damn-near dead

And I was all but living, kept alive by your lonesome sentiments,

A rose by any other name would be as deadly as your heart

Was to my soul, sweeter than your skin, acid, untraceable, my death

Came at a quarter to three when my heart stopped.

The distance became a dot to comfort me in my journey past your

Home, to my own bed where I spent the nights fighting tears back,

The cold remorse of steel against my skin felt warmer than

Your voice these days, it promised me eternity, lost,

And I just wanted to feel loved again, or once.

The sun never came.

The mist, it stayed.

I can’t see in the distance.

I don’t know my way.

I was never yours to have.

But you were always mine.

We once loved each other in and out of time.

~ Kai Alexander Means

Black and White

Her eyes have never been so beautiful,

Filled with pain, she sparkles the color of summertime,

I remember her touch as if it were yesterday,

We danced under the lemon tree,

Carved our names into the bed sheets when she awoke,

Have you ever seen perfection sleep?

She bottles so much inside, pops it open like

A bottle of red wine, her tears the sweet

Nectar, and she weeps.

We’ve drifted to opposite sides of the bed,

All I want is to be closer to her,

She pushes and I pull, she goes and I stay,

She’s wild as the wind and I’m

Calm as the sea, can’t you see, we complement

Each other like the moon pushes the waves,

The sun breathes life into fire,

I need you to breathe life into me, I’m not alive

Without you, without being able to hold

You close, feel your heartbeat playing violent

Rhythms on my chest,

I found my Heaven. These times are harder

Than before, designed to pull us apart,

But yet we stick together, I’m tethered to your hips,

The sweet taste of your lips, honeysuckle,

Have I told you lately that I love you?

If not then, then now, if not always, then forever more,

I am yours. Your eyes have never been so beautiful.

(Un)Revolutionary

1. The shotgun to the back of my heart rattles silence. Chaos.

2. Chaos disturbed is order, out of order, I found three bullets and gave

Them to you, I didn’t expect you to take aim, until I heard a click. Blast.

3. Blasts can’t be taken back, and I’m weightless, weigh less with 16 ounces

Of blood spilling out my chest, you can’t stop this bleeding. Suicide.

4. Suicidal in the way I handed you my heart, signed my death in blood red ink,

I hoped you love me enough to tell me no, or let me go, I am no longer whole,

Half of a human minus the soul, I don’t know what you want from me, I couldn’t, I couldn’t

Tell you I would be alright with one last breath, “I love you.” Holes.

5. Holes spattered my body in fresh life, watch the colors change like the time, 30 minutes before you called for help, my mother, she declared my death would be you, I never did listen, and I gasp for air on the kitchen floor, easier to clean, while you smoked a cigarette. Doctor.

6. Doctors poked at me like dinner on a plate. Pain.

7. Pain was no longer an option, it was destiny, Euphoria.

8. Euphoria-laced clouds danced in my head, I saw three men come to meet me, gates, He said,

“It wasn’t your fault,” I played hopscotch with three children, but they had wings and I didn’t,

We sang with Michael Jackson, Heavenly, I was ready to go home to pack my bags, I couldn’t leave, this must be the death of me. Gone.

9. Gone was my last breath, they called my death like clockwork, orange with sin, they said my demise was (un)revolutionary, I was (un)evolutionary, read between the lines of the toe tags covered in white lace, death from a broken heart. I.

10. Loved you.

~ Kai Alexander Means 

Gacy

I called her Gacy, the way she took my innocence and left me breathless,

the way she touched my skin that made me feel dangerous, deadly,

her cold sentiments left sentimental written over the walls in blood red,

I cannot escape her. You see, it was mid-May when we first met,

The smell of summertime fine and red wine left etchings on my legs,

I found her in a field, or maybe she found me, drenched in red,

What is a beautiful being like yourself doing out here, to which she replied,

Laying. We spent the day together, danced across the interstate in

acid rain, blew through stop signs and red lights in the red light district,

it was midnight when she came alive, and I lost myself in who she was.

She told me to be more flexible, so I broke my back to see her in 360

Degrees. She said I needed to smile more, so I smiled the size of Glasgow,

permanent, but she said I wasn’t pretty, so I did my makeup, white face,

red lips and a red nose, am I pretty now? I guess I never made her feel

quite as good as the taste of blood on her tongue, she wanted to satisfy

Her desires, lust in the darkness, I gave her my life,

again and again and again until all I had left were the cuffs on my hands,

the smile across my face, and a detective sitting in front of me.

But I still loved her.

~ Kai Alexander Means

Color Me

I planned a massacre

   In black ink, seeing green

      Skies and blue leaves, under

         The same tree they tried

            To hang me from.

               Color me violent, they

                  Colored me violent, searched

                     For my remains in a purple room

                        With purple black lights,

                           They beat me purple under

                              A black night, stained my

                                 White shirt with chartreuse

                                    Remnants of my innocence,

                                       They colored me homicidal,

                                          Little did they know they

                                             Etched hit lists into my skin

                                          When they stepped on my neck

                                       Like a creature, I never wanted

                                    To be a spider. I colored myself

                                 Grey, so I never knew about scarlet

                              Until I bled scarlet from my wounds,

                           Read his sapphire eyes, they burned

                        Like the twisting of my wrists and

                     The tears on my back from 90 lashes

                  With a whip, my skin must be worthless,

               Worth less than the name badge tattooed

            On his chest, you made me a murderer,

         Colored me in between the lines with lies,

      You colored me a menace.

   And now, I get to color you.

I’m thinking Mahogany.

~ Kai Alexander Means

Redux

Reduced to the here and now, our relationship became
Present, ever clear, I watched you wade in your own tears the moment
You told me that you don't know anything that once was will be, but
I knew. I knew you were hurting, lost in the maze you once navigated
With ease, I beg you please remember the last time I said your
Full name, the last time distance found its way between our souls, you
Invited me over to reminisce over red wine and cheese, thought the liquor
Would blur the lines between what we knew and what we thought
We wanted, I watched you walk the line of sobriety before I carried you
To my room, dried your tears with my shirt, those stains never came
Out, I never wanted to wash you away. I heard you breathing
In your sleep over Beethoven's Fifth and I saw your soul, climactic,
You left me devastated, I wanted to know that feeling forever.
You told me we could only be friends, before you pushed me out the door,
Told me to run while I still had the chance, as fast as my legs
Could carry me, so I sat at your doorstep to wait, I guess I was tired of
Running and just wanted a break from all the animosity, the syndicated
Monstrosity that became the inner depths of my mind when I was
Alone, I only found peace in you, solace in your moonlight, hazel eyes,
They turned emerald with agony when you shed tears, you told me
Stop trying to figure out where we would meet again, let go of your
Heart so you could breathe again, I gave it back and held your hand
Instead, I never plan on letting you go.

~ Kai Alexander Means

Again

I ran to your door, wide eyed, my soul tie-dyed,

I saw you for the very first time in neon, a smile

Brighter than a college student, you were my love at

First sight. When I told you your beauty was a gift,

You blushed, cheeks pinker than your toes in the sand

We ran through on our wedding day, I wanted to get to know

You, again.

I walked to your door, rang the doorbell and waited, contemplated,

I saw you for the second time in watercolor, painted on

Like a canvas, tainted by the way I turned you in circles under the moonlight,

Skin kissed by the glow of my retinas, you turned pink in my eyes,

I watched you walk away and I knew I wanted to chase you, forever,

And never, again.

I crawled to your door, subtle knocks left my knuckles bloody, tear stained,

You didn’t care to open the door in time, I saw you once
Again in pastel, my heart stopped beating, my nose started bleeding

The day you forgot my name, why can’t you love me,

Neglect is a bullet that collapsed my lung, I writhed in pain,

Agonizing in your violence, your silence was noteworthy,

I wanted to hear you speak, once, again.

I forgot to come to your door, eyes still swollen from you, I see in matte,

A time or two before I ripped my heart out, scratched at my skin until

I became a part of it, reached in to break my bones, I wanted

Someone to care, you didn’t sit by my coma-laden body, riddled with

Holes to my soul, I can’t find my road to recovery, you’re addiction,

I wanted to breathe you in, and die, again.