To Whom It May Concern

I tried to fix my cracked reflection in the
Mirror so I didn’t have to feel what you made of me,
70 times in 80 beats per minute, 90 seconds after the
Last 100 days of my life. I ate only my nails and
Eyelashes to reserve my flesh, I let my hair grow
Past my shoulders to hide my face, I broke my
Bones so I could heal in silent agony while
My insides cried bloody murder. I slit my wrists so I could
Bathe in blood, I scratched at my skin so I could
Feel alive, I never felt deader, I shot at birds through my
Open window, I laced my veins with menthol and air bubbles,
I spelled out every word in the dictionary to find a synonym
For what I’d become, that word was obsolete, barren and
Desolate, numb, lifeless, and desensitized to anything
I couldn’t see past the shades of my window.
I spun in circles to lose my mind,
I cleaned the house, I messed it up again,
I listened to Beyoncé for three weeks straight,
I chewed on blue ivy and the brains of dead children,
I cut off my ears so I couldn’t hear,
I whispered to my thoughts so they could hear me better,
I opened my body through a hole in my neck,
I cracked my ribs to pass the time,
I reached in and squeezed my heart to feel five seconds of Paradise,
I stitched myself closed with used needles and dental floss,
I pulled out my teeth with rusted pliers,
I swept the same spot on the floor until I dug a hole six feet under,
And at the end of those 100 days,
I tied a noose around my neck,
I collapsed my left lung with a 9 mm,
I cut into my aorta with solid steel,
I jumped into the hole I dug with a broom,
I filled the hole with my blood-stained tears,
I kicked until my struggle was over,
I let the life drain from my eyes.
You told my corpse I hurt you when I left,
Without so much as a kiss, a letter or a goodbye.
Goodbye.

~ Kai Alexander Means